Please leave me alone…

Trouble with insomnia all night. Woke up more than five times with fear, heavy breathing and gasping.

Reason was the same haunting ghosts from the past. These are worst. I would prefer conjuring type of dreams but not really life type with real people involved. Maybe I’ve still not moved on. Or maybe holidays are hard. When you have nothing else to do these thoughts occupy your mind.

Or maybe I don’t know…

The climb…

Today he felt strongly to climb that mountain which he used to see on his everyday route. With his all chaotic mind and lot of unresolved dilemmas at back of his mind he kept on walking towards the mountain. From station through main market to calm road, away from village. All of a sudden he was distracted by fire nearby. Kind of depressing vibes with it. Unknowingly he was near it watching it burn. It was crematorium, as he was standing there was big pop sound, May be of skull. It’s ritual to wait for skull to pop kind of closure. After that men pushed the remaining corpse in fire to burn to ashes. A man came to him and advised to not come to such places alone. He then turned back and continued towards mountain. Afternoon heat was unbearable, hot wind filled with dust and litter from surrounding added to misery. He stopped for some time under shadow of a tree. By now the heat was at its peak. Dust whirlwind gathered all around. The sky filled with dark clouds. Humidity, hot winds and heat made it pretty hard to walk further. He felt to let go and stop there itself. Due to such stormy weather, the village below and road traveled was also not visible. Somehow he kept on walking up the mountain. It started raining relieving him from the heat. The rain lashed heavily with thunderstorms. He kept moving up anyway, at a point he sat on big stone watching it rain over village and road he took.

Soon everything returned to normalcy as fast as it had turned ugly. It wasn’t raining, wind was almost at calm. He tried to drain away water from his shirt and jeans, and started walking up the mountain again. It felt pleasant and refreshing now, the journey which was started with lot of difficulty. He reached the peak, now picture from here was much clear, he could see the village, his road, the crematorium, that tree, the big rock he sat on. 

Everything was bright in sunshine again. Slow breeze did lighten the mood. This is what the enlightened must feel after overcoming their ignorance. 

He just sat there watching and being one with nature….

Complete the story…

It was good rainy day of monsoon. Not the onset but mid August when it’s all about shadow games. One moment it’s raining heavily and next it’s bright sun. So it was nice drizzling. Like rain mixed with wind, you can feel both of them. You never get wet but also not dried completely. I have had fascination for monsoon. But more specifically monsoon from western ghats. It arrives early in these formidable hills. May be I love it because my native place has no hills nor the rain due to its in rain shadow region. 

I have been in residential school since I was 12. And luckily I chose school which was in Sahyadri’s. So it all started from there. Our school was at foothills of one of the great forts which has long history from medieval times. In front of school was deep valley with river in middle. And chain of mountains around. 

So I was sitting on one of the cliffs. I was able to see bus starting to climb ghats. Up and down, disappearing and coming out from somewhere else. There was herd of cattle grazing nearby. Little below from where I was sitting was paddy field. It was sowing season, here sowing is bit different the plants from nursery are directly placed in the soil filled with muddy waters. There were few birds around, usually this is not birding season. But you can find kingfisher, hornbill if lucky.
Sky was filled with clouds, black and white also gray mostly. You cannot differentiate black and white. It’s beauty of nature. It gives everything to you, happiness, suffering and also middle part where you don’t know what that feeling is. 

There was chaotic sound of clouds, mixed with howling of wind, sound of birds, rain falling and songs those women were singing while working in the field. There was rhythm in that chaos. Melody of nature trying to whisper in your ears through wind. Trying to tell you something about life.

These was exactly the situation we both had dreamed to be in together holding each other and being part of that nature. As I looked beside me there was no one. Yes not everything we plan, we dream comes true. I had always wanted this but not in this way, not alone. The uncertainty of human existence is fearsome for a reason. Humans have reached the horizon of solar system or planning to go beyond it, also have studied matter to smallest possible particles. But yet we at individual level are vulnerable, vulnerable to uncertainty. Again it’s that uncertainty which gives us hope to look forward or keep moving on. 

Seeing me sitting alone, a shepherd passing by with his herd of sheep came to me and asked if I wanted handmade country cigar he had. After I said no he took big puff of it and said, “whether you like it or not, you are part of this great game the day you were born. No matter how hard you run away from it, it will catch you and punch in your face. You can never walk out of it. You will fall, more often you will be at the bottom but whether to lie there or stand up is choice. We see a lot like you who come here but you have to return to your story keep that in mind.”

And he moved on with his herd ahead. 

And so did I with my story to complete….

P.S: picture source – Google.